One thing I've learned lately is there's a lot of pressure that comes from grieving. I worry that people think I'm not grieving the way I should be. Some days are really hard, and some of them are not so hard. Some days I smile and laugh and have a good time with the kids and friends. Other days I cry a lot and I just want to lay on the couch and watch tv to distract myself.
But when people ask how I am, I always say good or fine. Sometimes I wonder what response they expect me to say. Are the judging me by the answer I give? Do they think I'm doing too ok for someone who just lost their husband of 10 years? Or do they realize I cant just tell them how Im truly doing? What if I just broke down crying in that moment. What would they say? Would they regret asking or stand there unsure of what to say. Especially when asked in front of the kids. Obviously I'm going to say good. I don't need the kids thinking otherwise.
Don't get me wrong, the kids do see me cry. I want them to know that feeling upset about things is ok, I want them to think "its ok if I cry sometimes, mom does too". I just don't want them to think its a daily all day thing. I also don't say that because I want people to stop asking me how I am. I so appreciate everyones support, concern and prayers. Truly. I just don't know what to do with it.
I hear people saying how strong I am, and I dont know if I am, but I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to be. I have three children who need me to keep it together and take care of them. I don't feel like I'm a strong person. I feel like I'm doing what you're supposed to do when you lose your spouse but you have young children to take care of. I have to be this way.
I'm heartbroken, but I am choosing to wake up every day thankful and happy. We used to rely on each other. When one of us was struggling, the other could pick up the slack. Now I need to be the best parent I can be because now they only have me.